Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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