I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
