My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
