Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
