1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
