we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i love accidental penises.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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