There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
