tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
