Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
