You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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