cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
