Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
