I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
your like the ambassador to my penis.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
