Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
