Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just come out here and I will go home with you...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
