If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
you had me at cake vodka
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
