I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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