Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
