I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
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Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
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Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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