Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
