u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
