i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
