Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My dick has a subreddit
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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