My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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