the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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