Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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