Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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