he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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