I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
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I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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