i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
