I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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