Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
