He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
