Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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