you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
we're making bets on your personal life
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
