I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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