I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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