foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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