I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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