I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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