listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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