Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
