My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
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You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
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I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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