Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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