i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
As shirtless as possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize