Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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