I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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