i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
