When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
