Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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