Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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