hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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