i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
