meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
