we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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