She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
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How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
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I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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