I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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