whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
