i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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