And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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