omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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