Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
