I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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