So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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